Hello again! As you probably know by now, my latest work, Well-Behaved Monsters, is coming out April 9. But I’m rewarding the brave and loyal among you with a special Kindle preorder price of 99 cents. Just click the snazzy image above or this link here:
Well-Behaved Monsters Kindle edition
“IT DOES MATTER!” Pete Ravage screams, in this brightly lit aisle, near the front of the department store. Passing shoppers pause with their carts, shoot querulous glances our way. Dylan and I exchange similar looks ourselves, wondering just how far Pete is willing to chase this ridiculous scheme.
We haven’t even gotten started, and this minor philosophical kerfuffle has already erupted between us. Considering the idea that Dylan and I have proposed as patently ridiculous, he is instead insisting upon…picking up a Pez dispenser for our triumphant night on the town.
“It’s just the kind of cutesy thing chicks like, you know?” he explains, during the ride over here. “It’s an icebreaker. I’m gonna offer them a piece of candy from my Pez dispenser, and that’ll be a conversation starter.”
Now that we’ve arrived at this huge, brightly lit retail emporium, the one nearest my apartment, his mood has taken a sudden, much less sunny turn. Christmas mere weeks behind us, their quite sizable Pez display is jammed with virtually nothing but discounted Santa Clauses and polar bears and elves. Snickering behind him, Dylan and I were skeptical of his gambit to start with, and are all the more so now.
“Oh, it doesn’t matter, man, just grab one!” I told him, which is what prompted that violent outburst, his insistence that this is, in fact, a decision of tremendous import.
Calming down somewhat, he now adds, while continuing to pick over the merchandise with the thoroughness of someone buying a brand new car, “what the fuck? I need a Looney Tunes or a Peanuts character, something like that, you know? Something a chick would think was cute.”
So it is that we are soon back in my car, creeping no more than thirty five in this steadily falling snow, up the road to another similar destination. And then a third. Yet the funniest thing about this odyssey might be that, though this business with the Pez wouldn’t necessarily preclude Pete participating in our prop idea as well – he could readily hedge his bets by attempting both – he continues to scoff at our idea, insisting, “that’ll never work.”
But we have discussed this for years, Dylan and I, and tonight we are finally putting these wheels into motion. There exists no doubt in our minds that women will respond to this ploy in a highly favorable fashion. Before we can put this theory to the test at last, however, we must first venture through the doors of this Cost Merchant Plus. I’m still laughing all the way in through the automatic doors and over to their candy aisle, where again Pete is facing surprising acreage of these timeless, so retroactively dorky they’re almost cool, candy dispensing toys. Although in this instance they are heavy on the Star Wars merchandise and he’s clicking his tongue all over again, pawing through untold Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker offerings.
“Dude, fuck this,” Dylan says, to me, “let’s leave him here and go check out their wedding rings.”
“Now you’re talking,” I reply, as we start in that direction.
“You guys are crazy. I’m telling you, that won’t work! Any girl will take one look at those and know you spent ten dollars on them.”
And yet, his speech all but settles the debate, in my mind. Though stalling for a moment as he reluctantly eyes the paltry Pez selection, Pete speedwalks a little to catch up with us, while we eventually backtrack and meander around enough to locate the jewelry counter, smack dab in the middle of the store. A lone unfortunate middle aged Asian woman, who is already struggling to some extent with the language, is stuck dealing with Dylan and me as we examine seemingly every wedding band they have to offer. Come to think of it, maybe this is no less ridiculous than Pete’s obsession over just the right Pez dispenser, although the distinction certainly feels critical, in this moment.
“I’m getting married,” Dylan explains to her, with a broad grin, just in case she hadn’t pieced this together somehow. To this she laughs and smiles, does her best to pronounce congratulations! without mangling it, somewhat of a mouthful even for those of us who consider this our native language. A process repeated when I chime in with a grinning, “I’m getting married, too!”
Though trying on plenty for size, Dylan and I both conclude that slight variations of their cheapest offerings will suffice just fine. Of course Pete continues to roll his eyes, smirk, and shake his head throughout, yet my point is that considering Cost Merchant Plus does in fact have wedding rings for sale, and they are not to my knowledge running a charity, this can only mean that plenty of people are legitimately buying theirs here. I.e. this means that only our ability to keep straight faces at the bar can doom this enterprise. I feel like there’s an analogy here somewhere, between the alleged quality of these rings, and the way that I’ve heard highbrow wine critics usually can’t tell the difference between midrange stuff and purported top shelf offerings when they are blindfolded. If one were really ambitious, I suspect he might even construct a metaphor for these crappy gold bands and the whole dog and pony show aspect of marriage as a whole – but I’ll leave that argument for someone else.
“You think she knew we were full of shit?” I wonder, after we walk away.
“I don’t know, it’s hard to tell sometimes with these Asians,” Dylan says, “they think you’re funny, they laugh. They don’t understand a word you’re saying, they laugh. They think you’re full of shit…they laugh.”
The above preview is a pivotal snippet detailing what Well-Behaved Monsters will bring to your bedside and/or coffee table. For those who feel this novel is precisely the cure for their winter blues, get your copy now to take advantage of this limited preorder price! Just click the full cover image below:
Alrighty, thanks as always for reading! Enjoy the rest of your week, and we will connect again real soon!
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